The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
