90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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