The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize