Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
