She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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