I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
