god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
