I molested 6 butterflies tonight
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
