I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
