i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
