I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
