Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
