I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
