i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
