Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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