I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize