im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize