if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
