Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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