you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
