Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
