I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
