she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
