totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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