I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
