And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
