I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
