I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
