I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
