I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
