is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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