he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize