Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my being single is dangerous.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
