i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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