Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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