Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
is it fun? or sober?
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