Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
