No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
