Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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