I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
