Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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