I accidentally burped into my bong.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
