things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
this is an emotional support booty call
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
