he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
