I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
