Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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