i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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