Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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