I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
