So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
