i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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