TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
