in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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