woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
