there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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